Description of one of my Nightmares: I do not make any Difference to this World

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At 2016_09 I'm 35 years old, at least if my calculations are correct. I'm born 1981_08_05. I do not consider 35 years of age to be young, but I do not consider it to be old either. Essentially the nightmare that I have had from time to time was that I as an old man, may be at age 80, travel to places, where I spent a lot of time during my childhood, You know, like an old tourist, who is trying to see, what has happened to its childhood places, and then at one of the playgrounds one of the children curiously asks me: "Who are You?"

What turns that apparently innocent scene to a nightmare for me are the thoughts that I am thinking in that dream during the moment, when I am forming an answer to that child. (My dreams often include scenes, where I am actually thinking my own, private, thoughts, not just doing, or, thinking is one of the "doable" activities in my dreams.) The nightmarish thoughts are: the life at that playground for that child would be exactly as it currently is totally regardless of whether I have ever even existed. The toys that those children are using, would be exactly the same even, if I had never born. The electronics in those toys that allows those toys to operate, would be exactly the same as it currently is even, if I had never born. The economic opportunities for that child are exactly as they are, regardless of whether I existed or not. The hardships that this child needs to endure after it grows up are exactly what they are, without me even remotely alleviating his/her situation with my life, the work that I've done during my whole life. Despite the fact that I do not have any ambitions to be famous or known by name or face, the question, who am I, is a really tough one and really hits my weak point.

May be one of those elements that makes this nightmare so scary is that in real life I intentionally avoid walking old paths. I intentionally want to avoid re-using old acquaintances for new economic opportunities, because I think that I have to move on in stead of walking the old, tried and comfortable, paths. So far practically all of my, small, income has been earned by engraving new paths, getting to know people, who I never knew before, preferably without ever using any recommendations from anybody, only by proving myself to the people I engage with, from blank page, from zero. I intentionally never attend any old class meetups. Spending time on nostalgia meetings while modern problems are so huge that they are really hurting is a true mental low by my standards. So, to be in a situation, where after such efforts there is nothing to show for, is something that really hits a weak spot.

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